Put Your Hand On My Heart
by Awake And Dreaming 1987
Summary: What do you do when you you've fallen in love with someone so out-of-your league, you're playing a different sport? For April Kepner that meant burying her feelings into years of friendship. What happens when she can't hide them anymore? "There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment." Sarah Dessen
1. Prologue

**AN: Hello everyone**

This is only my second story (and for the other one I am only on chapter four ), and my first for Grey's Anatomy. The recent episodes have inspired the Jackson/April fan in me to try my hand at writing a story with their characters.

This is AU – and some of the characters (especially Alex and Cristina) I'm a little worried to write, so some of the time they may seem out of character, even though that is not my intention.

Anyways, enough of my rambling, I hope you enjoy the story, and please let me know what you think – whether it's a review, a favorite or even a story alert

**Prologue**

"Kimmie! Kimmie you can't do this! Mom please, you can't let her do this! Mom please!"

Karen Kepner could count the number of times her daughter April, her pride and joy, had asked for her help on one hand. In each of these instances, Karen had done her very best to ease her daughter's burdens. When April had wanted to go to an out of state school, Karen took on a second job so that April wouldn't see the financial burden going away placed upon her parents. Four years later, when April was accepted to medical school, Karen and her husband Joe took out a second mortgage on their farm to pay her school fees. When Mercy-West had offered her daughter a surgical residency in Seattle, Karen once again stood by her daughter, encouraging her to pursue her passion, even taking time of work to get her settled in the new city. This time, however, there was nothing Karen could do. It was time for April to stand on her own two feet.

April's sisters could never understand why their mother was always willing to go one step further in protecting April against them. Then again, they weren't April's mother, and as such they never saw in April what only a mother could see. They never saw how desolate and lonely April was growing up in Moline and for a long time afterwards. They didn't remember seeing April coming home in tears after Missy Jenkins told her that she wanted to give her a makeover so that she would be "nicer to look at, and would stop scaring everyone". Nor did they recall the winter formal, which April spent in her room studying while her sisters all went to the dance, because her date stood her up.

No, Karen's daughters never saw what April had gone through growing up. They only saw their sister 'Duckie', who never tried to fit in, who was more concerned with books than boys. To them, April was their shy, mousy, embarrassing, hopeless sister who was always too smart, too kind, too quirky for their liking.

"Mom, please you can't let her do this! Not him Kimmie! You can't!"

"And how are you going to stop me Duckie? Are you going to go up to him and tell him the truth? Go ahead, I dare you." Kimmie mocked, knowing that even if her older sister somehow managed to confront the man-in-question, she would never do anything to deliberately hurt one of her sisters.

" God, could you imagine how that would go. 'Jack…Jack…Jackson…I….I…I…really like you. Please don't date my sister!" Alice mocked, imitating her older sister's tendency to stutter when nervous.

"Kimmie please, you don't understand…" April pleaded, trying once again to make her sister listen to reason.

"What that you're in love with him? I think we all understand Duckie. 'Oh Jackson is so smart', 'Jackson's so nice'. It's pathetic April. Face it, if he had feelings for you he would have done something by now. For god sakes, it's been _years_ Duckie, if he hasn't made a move on you by now he never will!" Libby snapped at her younger sister.

"I don't…I don't love him! He's my friend. He's my friend, and I don't want to see him get hurt!" April continued to argue, feeling her face heat up from embarrassment and rage.

"You don't get it, do you Duckie? Boy's like Jackson don't date girls like you. They never have, and they never will." Kimmie explained, enfuriating April with her patronizing tone.

"I mean face-it April, he can do better than you. He _needs_ better than you. I mean, look at him, and look at you. If people saw you out together they would start wondering why he was slumming it." Libby explained, ignoring her sister's hurt face

"Libby that's enough." Karen exclaimed, surprised at how cruel her daughter was being.

"No mom, it's true. Jackson needs someone who, when people see them out together, they don't automatically assume he's doing them a favor. Look April, it doesn't really matter what you think at the end of the day. He's not interested in you Duckie and he never will be. Now why don't you stop making a fool of yourself and just let things be. Kimmie likes Jackson, and aside from you going up to him and confessing your feelings, which you wont – and let's be honest, even if you did he wouldn't reciprocate them– there is nothing you can do".

Like always Libby played into April's fear rejection to get what she wanted. She knew that no matter how much April cared for Jackson, she would never tell him. No, her Duckie would always be too afraid of getting her heart broken or loosing him as a friend to act on her feelings. Duckie would not be an obstacle for her little sister.

"You don't even like him – you don't even know him! You just like his money!" April argued, her eyes filling up with frustrated tears.

"One and the same Duckie. One and the same" Kimme laughed, before she, Libby and Alice left the kitchen, leaving April sobbing into her mother's arms.

Unbeknownst to them, a pair of brown eyes had been watching their conversation, listening in rapt attention.


	2. Are You True?

**AN**: I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who read the story, and an additional thank you to all of those who left comments, followed the story (or me), or made it a favorite.

Also big thank you to BlacknPotty for her help editing the story.

I hope you enjoy this chapter, and like last time let me know what you think – whether it's a review, a favorite or even a story alert.

**Chapter One: Are You True?**

Despite her best efforts, April Kepner had never been successful in forging long-lasting relationships. Growing up, April desperately craved some sort of positive relationship with her sisters. None of her attempts, however; resulted in any improvement. Instead, her sisters had branded her with the nickname 'Duckie' –short for 'ugly duckling' – a reference to April's somewhat homely appearance growing up. It had taken a number of years for April to come to the realization that just because her sisters were her family, that did not necessarily mean they were the best people for her to be around.

After that, April redirected her efforts to her peers, her classmates, and members of her congregation, to no avail; she was deemed "too perky", "too happy" – she "tried too hard". No, April Kepner had never been successful in making friends.

When April began her residency, she quickly came to the understanding that, like always, her relationships with her fellow residents would be limited. There would be no invitations to go out for drinks after work, or dinner or even a movie: April Kepner would not be seeing her co-workers outside of work. That was why April had been so surprised when Reed had announced, only days after meeting April, that the two were going to be great friends and, as such, should get a place together so that they could spend more time with one another. After that Reed became April's best friend, the sister she had always wanted.

Reed had been the only person to invite April out after work, the only one to check in on her after she was fired form Seattle Grace, the only one to stand by her when she returned. Reed had been her person – and now she was gone. Her person was gone. Gary Clark had taken her away and once again left April all on her own, just like before; only this time, April had no interest in making new friends. Ironically enough, this was the first time people were interested in becoming her friend – Jackson especially – and April hated it.

Jackson Avery had been one of the first people April met when she began working at Mercy West. The chief of surgery at the time, Dr. Mayfield, had hosted a formal dinner at his house for all the new interns to allow them the opportunity to meet one another – as well as the hospitals current residents and attending's – in an informal setting. From the moment April had caught sight of Jackson, she'd felt as if she were drawn towards him – not for his eyes, or his smile – but the way his whole face lit up when he smiled, or how when he spoke to someone, he gave them his absolute attention. April came to experience this first hand when the incoming interns were instructed to get to know one another; to meet the people they would be spending the next eight years working alongside.

After speaking with Charles, Reed and a host of other interns, April finally got a chance to speak with Jackson. They had talked for what seemed like hours to April, definitely longer than her combined conversations with the others; and for the first time in as long as April could remember, she'd felt a connection with another person. She had been foolish enough to believe he had felt it too; she was disillusioned of that believe quickly enough.

At the end of the evening Dr. Mayfield thought it would be a fun idea to ask the interns to describe one another. In retrospect, April considered Dr. Mayfield's game a sadistic way to torture and embarrass those interns who may have not made the best first impression amongst their peers.

Charles had been asked to divulge his thoughts about Reed; "she's cute and short – like a pixie, or a brunette Tinkerbelle". Reed, in turn, had described Charles as a "real-life Shrek". When Jackson had been asked to describe April, the latter immediately felt her cheeks heat and her palms grow sweaty with excitement. While she waited to hear his answer, April began to come up with a number of possible answers in her head.

"April – she's great. The type of girl I could see myself marrying"; "April, well she's nice, seems smart". Like any of April's thoughts about herself, along with the positive imagined descriptions came the negative: "April, well she's a little mousey" or "kind of quiet, seems a bit boring". Any of these would have been better than what Jackson had said.

"April? Sorry, I don't remember speaking to an April?"

Just like that, April's excitement turned into mortification. Even if he had said something bad about her, at least she would have left an impression. Instead, he didn't even remember her.

So focused on her own embarrassment, she almost missed Dr. Mayfield asking for her thoughts on Jackson Avery. That moment right then would have been her opportunity to stand out, to say something that would ensure he would never forget her. Initially she considered being cruel "Well, Jackson's got a pretty face, but I'm not sure what else he's got to offer"; or she could have been vindictive and exposed his lineage – "well, he's Jackson Avery – grandson of Harper Avery, son of Catherine Avery".

Instead of taking either route, April chose to be the bigger person.

"Well it appears Jackson's a bit forgetful," she'd laughed awkwardly, to the amusement of the other attendees.

Although the two colleagues had seen each other in passing numerous times since then, that evening had been the last time the two had spoken until two months before their intern exam. April, entering the stairwell outside the NICU, had found Jackson sitting with his head cradled in his hands.

"Jackson? Is everything OK?" she'd asked, taking a seat next to him and placing an arm around his shoulders.

April had largely been expecting him to brush her off – tell her that he was fine, or to mind her own business. Instead, to her surprise, Jackson rested his head on her shoulder and the two remained seated like that for twenty minutes before a word was passed.

"I've been having a tough time recently with the intern exams coming up. It seems like no matter how much I study, I'm not getting it. I just…I don't want to fail. I don't want to give my family another reason to think I'm nothing more than a pretty face", Jackson mumbled into April's neck.

"You can study with me," April offered, "I have flash cards!"

For six weeks after that day, Jackson and April met every night at her house to prepare for their exam. Six weeks of take-out, late-night study sessions, hikes in the woods and movie night study breaks. Six weeks of absolute bliss for April, before it all came crashing down.

Two weeks before the intern exam, Elizabeth Avery – Jackson's grandmother passed away, after a 5 -year battle with breast cancer. Rather than studying that night, Jackson had insisted that he and April take the night off and relax, reward themselves for having worked so hard. Rather than accepting Jackson at his word, April thought that, knowing about the recent events in his family, the least she should do was offer his condolences.

"Jackson, I heard about what happened to your grandmother. I'm so sorry. How are you doing?"

April never could have predicted that this question would be the catalyst in ending their newfound friendship.

"What? What are you talking about?" Jackson asked cautiously, immediately suspicious of where the conversation was heading.

"Your grandmother, Elizabeth. I saw on the news that she passed away. Are you ok?" April asked, placing a hand on Jackson's shoulder.

As soon as she said his grandmother's name, April felt an immediate change in Jackson. Gone was the relaxed and carefree man that she had spent endless hours with. In his place sat a man stiff and rigid, a man preparing for a fight.

"How long have you known?" Jackson growled, "Is that why you've been helping me? What? Did you think that if you helped me study, I'd introduce you to my grandfather? Get you an in with Harper Avery?"

Those had been the last words Jackson had said to April before storming out of her apartment.

After that night, Jackson made every effort to avoid April, only speaking to her when it was absolutely necessary. Not even the most basic exchanges – a 'hello', 'how are you' or even 'how was your weekend' – passed between them. Despite this, April held out hope that things would someday go back to how they were during those six-weeks – back when they had almost been friends.

Following the merger with Seattle Grace, when it seemed to April that all the Mercy West residents, despite their differences during their residency, had banded together in their shared displeasure of their new surroundings, April once again tried to develop some sort of rapport with Jackson. For a brief moment, she started to believe that they had made some progress, but after hearing him imitating her to Meredith, April quickly realized that all of those instances where he pretended to listen to what she had to say or joined her in conversation were immediately followed by a roll of his eyes, a smirk of amusement or a look of exasperation.

Now, their unstable past and her continual disappointment in his behavior made it difficult for April to accept even the smallest acts of kindness, of comfort, that Jackson offered. Even the way in which he held her hand – an attempt on his part to lend her comfort and strength – angered April in ways she couldn't express. Ever since the night of the shooting, try as she might, April _hated_ Jackson. She hated the way he was constantly checking up on her, making sure she was okay and wasn't in need of anything be it food or companionship. What April couldn't stand the most, however; was how he couldn't understand that being near him made it worse. His presence was a never-ending reminder of what she had lost, and no matter how hard April tried to distance herself from him, he never adhered to her unspoken request.

Despite this however, April did her best to keep him at arms length. Her latest attempt had happened earlier that morning, when Jackson had come to pick April up for the funeral – something he had to guilt her into the night before by saying "they owed it to Charles and Reed". Jackson had come into her apartment, only to find her sitting in Reed's bedroom in her towel, staring at an old picture of the four of them. Clearing his throat, Jackson endeavored to both alert April to his presence and encourage her to talk. He was going to try again, when she began speaking.

"I tripped in her blood," April stated matter-of-factly, her voice inflectionless and void of emotion.

"April," Jackson whispered, his own voice heavy.

He was torn between begging her to stop and staying silent in the hope she'd continue. Reed was his friend, and after everything he had been through the past few days, he wasn't sure he could handle hearing any more about her death, about that day. At the same time, he knew that April needed to do this, needed to talk about that night if she ever hoped to get over it, and if he had to be on the receiving end of it – he was willing to do that.

"I was going to get ice packs and I tripped on her blood. It was warm – her blood, it was warm. She probably hadn't been dead that long. Dr. Shepherd made me change into a fresh pair of scrubs, but I could still feel it on me, could still smell the iron."

It was then that Jackson noticed the red hue and small cuts adorning April's skin, which he quickly noted were likely her using water too hot, and force too hard for her delicate skin to handle.

"It's been a week and I still can't get clean. I've done everything I can think of short of bathing in bleach, but I can't get the smell off of me."

Jackson took that as his cue to begin tending to April's cuts. Taking of his shirt and handing it to April, Jackson left the room to go look for some antibiotic cream and bandages. When he returned to April, Jackson couldn't help smiling at how his shirt seemed to swallow the small girl whole, reminding Jackson once again how tiny and fragile his companion was. At this realization, Jackson reiterated to himself that it was his responsibility to look out for her, protect her, until she was once again able to do it for herself – he owed it to Reed.

After spending 30 minutes tending April's wounds, Jackson ushered her into her own bedroom to get ready for the day. With April occupied, Jackson placed a call to Meredith, asking if she had a room for April, at least for the time being. By the time Jackson had finished with Meredith, April was dressed and ready to leave for Meredith's house. While April wasn't looking forward to seeing her colleagues, she knew this trip was non-negotiable – Jackson needed to get changed for the funeral, and Meredith was hosting a 'mandatory breakfast' for everyone.

Walking into the Meredith's kitchen, April was surprised by the number of people gathered around the table. Beside the usual tenants, April spotted Dr. Webber, Dr. Bailey, Cristina, Owen, Mark, Callie, and Arizona to name a few. Noticing the new arrival, Meredith quickly moved away from Cristina to greet her new guest.

"April! I'm glad you could make it!" Meredith exclaimed, with what April assumed to be forced enthusiasm.

"Yeah, um, thanks for inviting me," April mumbled, taking an open seat at the table. Rather than making small talk with the other people in the room, April opted to occupy her time by looking at her phone while she waited for Jackson. When Jackson finally came down, April noticed a poignant look pass between him and Meredith, before the latter turned to April.

"Hey, April, I forgot to ask you – there's an extra room here if you want to stay for a while." Meredith offered, the whole room falling silent in nosy anticipation of her response.

So overcome with rage, April barely noticed everyone's eyes on her, or Lexie's shriek of outrage as she hissed indignantly about the dusty attic she was currently occupying.

"Let me get this straight; you want me to stay here?" April asked, interrupting Meredith's attempts to placate her sister.

"Well, if you want to. I just thought you wouldn't want to…."

"What? Live in the apartment I shared with my dead best friend?" April cut Meredith off again her volume rising with every word.

"April!" Jackson admonished, surprised at April's vehement reaction.

Taking a deep breath to calm herself. April turned to Meredith and tried to turn down her offer as politely as she could, given the rage and annoyance that was threatening to boil over.

"I appreciate what you are trying to do, but I'm fine where I am," April said as pleasantly as she could.

Feeling Jackson's arm on her shoulder, April turned swiftly to face him: the sympathy on his face was as much as April's boiling temper could take.

"Stop trying to help me! I'm fine! My best friend died, but I'm fine!" April shouted, pushing Jackson's arm off of her before turning to face the group as a whole. They were staring at the Mercy West pair.

"If you all want to help me, why don't you just leave me the hell alone! Go back to ignoring me, or making fun of me, or whatever else you all did behind my back – I don't care, because I'm fine!" April shouted, before standing up from the table and storming towards the front entrance. Rather than walking out the door, April paused momentarily before turning around and re-entering the kitchen.

"I need a ride to the funeral. Jackson drove me, so my car is back at my apartment." April announced in a small voice, preparing herself for the laughter or mocking that she believed was sure to follow.

Jackson – who had begun to make his way towards her – stopped abruptly as April's viciously growled "not you!" before looking expectantly at the room.

"Come on Kepner, you seem like you could make an entertaining passenger" Mark quipped, ushering April out of the house, refusing to give anyone else in the kitchen, Alex in particular, any opportunity to upset the already fragile young woman.

After the events of that morning, April was certain Jackson would stay away from her. Instead, as soon as he got to the funeral grounds, Jackson made a beeline for her, taking the seat next to her and taking hold of her hand in a firm grip through the duration of the ceremony.

Even now, even after the rest of Reed's family and friends had left for the wake, Jackson remained by April's side as she sat with her eyes glued to her friend's casket.

"You can go," April whispered, unsuccessfully trying to pry her hand from Jackson's .

"Let me help. Let me be here April, please. I need it, I need you," Jackson pleaded, causing April's eyes to swell with tears. Despite her best effort April felt herself start to give into the grief that she had been carrying around with her since Gary Clark had upturned her life. She began to grieve for those whose lives were lost – the nurses, the patients, Reed and Charles, the innocent bystanders – herself and Jackson included, and all the other individuals lives who had been forever changed because of one man's misdirected rage. As she broke down, Jackson stayed with April, never letting go over her hand.

April Kepner could not stand Jackson Avery. Sadly it wasn't due to his name, his looks, or even his prior treatment of her. No, the reason April couldn't stand Jackson was because moments like this made her realize how significantly things had changed in only a matter of weeks.

April had always told herself that the day she allowed herself to become friends with Jackson Avery would be the same day that Joe Kepner's pigs would fly – and as far as she was concerned, her dad could hold off on putting a pair of wings on Snowball because April would not make the same mistake twice.


End file.
